She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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