chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
