I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
