And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
