You're so nebulous sometimes
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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