The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
