Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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