I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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