So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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