Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I am naked and annoyed.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
