you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
