i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
That accounts for only three of the penises
i've created a new STD.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
