I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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