I think I just saw someone hide a body.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
