drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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