just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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