Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
