just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
