i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
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