I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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