I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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