I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
