my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
