In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
