Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize