Farmville is her only friend.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
