You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
