They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
