Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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