Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
