Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
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