Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Randomize
