Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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