How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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