Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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