If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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