I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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