I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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