I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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