he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
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