Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
