At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
