i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
