the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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