dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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