It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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