I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
