I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize