I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Bring me that man meat
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
