Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
