Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
