One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
