Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
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