Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
