Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
