i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
