well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Randomize
